The dysfunctional Harrington family is taking the back roads to Grandma’s house for dinner on Christmas Eve when they encounter an injured Lady in White (Amber Smith) walking along the road clutching her baby. Psychologist daughter Marion (Alexandra Holden) hops out of the car so the strange woman can ride with the rest of the family to get help. The Harringtons stop at a cabin on the side of the road to see if anyone is inside, but it is vacant. Son Richard (Mick Cain) goes off into the woods to have some quality time with a picture of a centerfold model while Marion‘s boyfriend Brad (Billy Asher) stays in the car and tries to make small talk the woman in white and learns that her baby is dead. Then suddenly Brad has been abducted in a black car and the family chases after Brad to rescue him. Unfortunately the rescue turns futile when father Frank (Ray Wise) and mother Laura (Lin Shaye) find Brad chopped up into pieces in the middle of the road.

Richard notices that there have been no other cars on the road for miles while they try to find a place to stop for help and that all their clocks stopped at 7:30pm, suggesting to everyone that aliens are responsible. Everyone dismisses this, but Marion quickly enters a catatonic state over the loss of her boyfriend. As the family continues to drive in the dark with no homes or businesses in sight they begin to escalate their anger with each other until a tire blow-out stops the car in its track. Marion then reveals that she is pregnant with Brad‘s baby… oopsie!

Frank and Richard have a father-son moment of trying to change the tire together and it ends in a Ralphie swear fest à la A Christmas Story. While Frank finishes the tire change Richard wanders back off into the woods to smoke pot and contemplate the family’s future. The Lady in White reappears and begins to make out with Richard. The woman bites Richard‘s lower lip off then we cut scene to Richard in the back of the black hearse about to meet the same fate as Brad. They run over a very crispy burned alive Richard in the road, remote the presents for Grandma’s house from the car minus a shotgun that was for Uncle Michael, then plop dead Richard into the trunk.

Laura goes instantly insane over the loss of her son and begins babbling nonsensically while Frank talks of an urban legend he’d heard as a kid of The Lady in White. The family stops the car when Laura gets sick from eating too much food, then Laura grabs the shotgun from the car and tries to shoot Frank. Marion tries to stop Laura from shooting her husband but it does not work, and Laura shoots Frank in the leg. Marion is able to bandage Frank up and he continues driving the family along the deserted road.

Laura‘s insanity is not lessening and she jumps from the car while it’s moving so that she can meet up with dead people only she can see on the side of the road. When Frank and Marion stop the car to find Laura they see the black hearse again and try their best to stop it. Laura wanders out of the woods and we see her brain exposed out of the back of her head. You may be wondering if she dies… that’d be a yup.

So, with only Frank and Marion left, will they make it to safety? Or will the black hearse come for them too?

Camp, camp, camp!!! Hilariously ridiculous until the end when you realize this was a complex blending of reality, dream world, afterlife, and the grim reaper’s role in it all.

Buttery’s Rating:

Recommendation

Looks like Mom Laura was snacking on Lay’s Potato Chips in the car. Sounds good to us!

Mom kept drinking coffee so how about a thermos filled with Jamaican Me Crazy Flavored Coffee.

Americans Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) are vacationing in Germany and are driving to a party with friends. They become lost in the woods at night with no cell phone service when their rental car tire catches a flat. Aside from a perverted man who only speaks German and thinks the ladies are porn stars, Lindsay and Jenny can’t find help on the road so they wander to the closest house they can find and into the world of Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser), a scientist famous for separating Siamese twins.

Lindsay and Jenny are led to a false sense of hope that Dr. Heiter is helping them by calling the rental car service for them, but while they drink their water (laced, of course, with the “date rape” drug Rohypnol) Dr. Heiter has gone downstairs to check on the trucker he previously captured at a rest stop. Sadly for him, the trucker is not a compatible (genetic? blood type? unclear) match with the Americans so Dr. Heiter kills him then hunts for and captures a new prey who will be a good match for his ingenious plan, a tourist who only speaks Japanese.

When the victims wake up from sedation to realize they are tied to hospital beds Dr. Heiter tells them his plan to connect the three victims via their gastric systems. Lindsay is able to escape her hospital bed bindings and tries to run from Dr. Heiter but he recaptures her and tells her of his previous success to surgically combine his pet rotweillers. He then lets her go free again when the power to the house turns off. Lindsay returns to try to rescue a very anesthetized Jenny but doesn’t realize Dr. Heiter is just continuing his game of cat and mouse. But can Lindsay and the other trapped tourists turn the cat and mouse game around?

Where other movies would end with a convenient last-minute getaway, this film brings the terrifying subject of human experimentation to your television, and Lindsay and Jenny do not escape unscathed. This movie is not for the squeamish. I get nauseous and fainty around blood and these sensations were definitely activated during this movie. Only watch if you can separate reality from movieland, unless you enjoy nightmares. The dark lighting of the film, the intense but lowly played musical score, and the fact that it takes place in the middle of the woods in Germany make the movie truly horrifying.

Moral of the story: Learn at least the basics of the language before you show up to a new country. And how to change a flat tire.

DVD features include: Trailer, Deleted Scene, Behind The Scenes, Director Interview, Casting Tape, Foley Session, Alternate Posters, and Director Commentary. I watched this one via Netflix Watch Instantly, so I’m neutral about the extras offered.

Buckets given for creativity in plot and daring to bring the subject of human experimentation to the screen. Also, for Laser‘s performance and for any other actor daring to take part in this film.

Buttery’s Rating:

Recommendation

I couldn’t think of eating anything while watching this. Ugh!

Whatever you drink, don’t drink water!

It’s entirely possible the vinyl records are worth more than the lives they’re saving, but it sure is fun throwing them.

Shaun (Simon Pegg) is in a bit of a rut with no real life ambitions. He has stalled relationships with his girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield), his best mate Ed (Nick Frost), and his mother Barbara (Penelope Wilton) as well as a stalled career at a local appliance store. Frustrated by this lack of ambition, Liz breaks up with Shaun when he commits the cardinal sin of forgetting to book a reservation for their third anniversary and offering to take her once again to his favorite pub, The Winchester. While Shaun‘s relationship with Liz dissolves before his eyes the rest of the world around him happens to slowly become overrun by zombies.

Shaun‘s tunnel vision to the utter destruction around him somehow saves him from the hands of the zombies too many times to count. Once he finally notices that zombies are taking over London and has a bit of fun with Ed taking a few of them down he decides he must set out on a crusade to save both Liz and his mother from the undead. And, where’s the best place to go to protect you and those you love from those indiscriminate flesh eaters? Why, the Winchester, of course!

This is, hands down, one of the funniest zombie movies of all time. A fantastic supporting cast, clever fight sequences, unique camera angles, and perfectly understated zombie-to-regular-life comparisons (aren’t we all just drooling drones? yup!) make Pegg and Wright‘s film a cult classic.

Special Features

Zombie Gallery: A photo collection of the undead.
TV Bits: Music videos from the film soundtrack.
Trailer: The US theatrical trailer for the film.
Missing Bits:
Funky Pete – A cleaned up version of Pete’s dialog when he’s woken up at 4:00am
The Man Who Should Be Shaun – Simon Pegg using a silly voice for his character
Plot Holes – Answering your questions about what happened to characters during parts of the film
Outtakes – The goofy bits — yaaaaaay!
Extended Bits – Fifteen (15) extended scenes… Wow!
Raw Meat – A proverbial meat pie of the leftover bits:
Simon Pegg’s Video Diary – A behind-the-scenes montage of the film set.
Casting Tapes – Some seriously hilarious versions of my favorite scenes are shown, plus strange things are done with fruit. That’s always funny!
Edgar and Simon’s Flip Chart – The detailed plan of the movie in word form. Booooring! (Skip it.)
SFX Comparison – Very cool footage of how Mary gets that pipe through her stomach, and consequently a hole through her entire mid-section, using green screen and splicing.
Make-Up Tests – Zombie walkers in full costume set to music, including Simon Pegg in full zombie get-up and side-by-side comparisons of CGI zombie eyes versus color contacts (freaky!).
EPK Featurette – A description of the film is given, including an in-depth look at the relationship between Shaun and Ed.

Can we say awesome special features? AWESOME SPECIAL FEATURES! (I knew we could.)

Buttery’s Rating:

Recommendations

A nice, chewy Guinness really hits the spot when holding down the Winchester fort.

Bacon candy must be consumed while fighting zombies. Mmmm, zombie bacon…

The Covenant is an intriguing tale of the descendants of a 17th Century coven of witches. It revolves around Pogue Parry (Taylor Kitsch), Tyler Simms (Chace Crawford), and Reid Garwin (Toby Hemingway) who are lead by Caleb Danvers (Steven Strait) and are collectively known as the Sons of Ipswich, representing four of the five founding families of the town. The fifth family was rumored to have been driven off for violating a covenant of silence the coven made to avoid persecution during the witch hunts of the time. Attending the elite and upper class Spencer Academy, the boys seem to be the popular clique… allowing others to look, but not see who they truly are as magic wielding warlocks.

With their powers comes not only the cliche’d great responsibility, but the absolute lure of addiction. However, their abilities are not for free use. The more their magic is used, the more addicting it becomes, and the quicker their bodies will age and eventually fail them. This underlying morality lesson of the dangers of drugs is something that is rarely seen told in such a compelling fashion.

A newcomer to the school, Chase Collins (Sebastian Stan), challenges their social dominance. The arrogance of the group is quickly lost when it is discovered that Chase isn’t like any of the other kids… but he is much more like the members of the coven. The fifth family has returned from their exile, and the battle for power begins in earnest.

While the special effects in the action scenes can be considered somewhat mediocre by today’s standards, there are a few scenes that are completely mind blowing. Unfortunately, chances are that you have already seen them in the trailer. The acting was solid, especially for what amounts to a cast of no names. The premise of the story is by far its strongest part. While I think they did a good job in getting the generalities out there… it would have been nice to have seen some more detail for no other reason than to fill the open gap as to why exactly Chase feels so slighted by those he has never met before.

Special Features

Audio commentary and a featurette are the big draws here. Well… who am I kidding… obviously no one saved any magic for the DVD because those are the ONLY draws. Watch the movie, and if you enjoy it that much then maybe you won’t have invested in a nice shiny coaster for the coffee table after all.

Popcorn’s Rating:

Recommendations:

A movie about addictive magic deserves an addictive magic like snack… Magic Mentos Mints are addictively tasty and magically make your bad breath disappear! Can you ask for anything more?